Interview with Dr. Preston Hot of Hot Problems
I set out to interview who I thought was Andrew Volpe, frontman of LUDO, about his new dance party fun band Hot Problems, but soon figured out that the person I thought was Andrew wasn’t actually him at all. I was talking to his grandson, Dr. Hot, who had time traveled from the future back to 2012 (The resemblance is astounding. But somehow grandpappy is a little cuter.). He had an important message and mission to share with the world. Be a (Mc) fly on the wall during this conversation between Dr. Hot and interviewer Angie Knost, and find out just why dancing is so important to the future and the past….
Angie: Are you ready to get started?
Dr. Hot: Yes.
Angie: So, first question. Dr. Hot-
Dr. Hot: One more thing. Before we begin, I have to reiterate that I will not be answering any questions about the future.
Dr. Hot: Just trust me on this. It would be bad.
Angie: I won’t ask any questions about the future.
Dr. Hot: Okay, great. Then I’m good to go.
Angie: Can we begin?
Dr. Hot: Ask away.
Angie: Dr. Hot, who exactly are you, and where did you come from?
Dr. Hot: First of all, Angie, I’d just like to say thank you for sitting down with me to do this interview. Believe it or not, the issues I’d like to discuss–partying, dancing, fun, what have you–are the most critical issues facing mankind today.
Dr. Hot: Okay, well, you’re laughing, but I assure you, there’s nothing funny or fun about it. The fate of civilization is at stake here.
Angie: Okay. I’m sorry. Let’s start again. Who exactly are you, and where did you come from?
Dr. Hot: My name is Dr. Preston Hot. I am a theoretical physicist at Washington University in St. Louis, where I have been conducting research on particle acceleration for the past seven years. Actually, scratch that… to be clear, none of this has happened yet. And it won’t for another half-century. I’m not explaining this well. How can I put this…? Ah, yes. I’m from the future.
Angie: Uh… wow.
Dr. Hot: Yeah, I know.
Angie: And how did you get here?
Dr. Hot: You mean how did I get now? A wormhole. On April 9, 2067, against all known scientific ethics and my own sense of self-preservation, I stepped into one of my own experimental wormholes and traveled back through time to the year 1959. It was an extremely bad idea.
Angie: So why did you do it?
Dr. Hot: Angie, I never wanted to be a hero. But it was the only way. It’s a long story, but suffice it to say, there’s an evil maniac wreaking havoc through time. And if I don’t stop him, no one will.
Angie: I’m sorry, who’s this you’re talking about?
Dr. Hot: The evil maniac. Professor Magnibus. He’s actually a colleague of mine at Wash U. At least he was. At this point, I don’t think the university will keep him on as faculty if he ever comes back. What with him turning evil and all.
Angie: Oh my. What’s he trying to do?
Dr. Hot: Cause World War III in 1959, alter our known timeline, and ultimately destroy life as we know it.
Angie: Okay. I’m gonna go ahead and change gears here a little bit….
Dr. Hot: Did that get a little intense there?
Angie: It’s getting a little intense.
Dr. Hot: Sure thing. I understand, let’s keep it light. Talk about my favorite color or something. Why would we dwell on the fate of mankind?
Angie: Let’s talk for a minute about your Partner, DJ Problems…who is he and how did you meet?
Dr. Hot: David John Problems is a famous Megatek DJ, also from the future. In a fluke accident, he fell into the same wormhole that I went through and practically landed on top of me in the middle of the Cold War. At first, he just wanted to go home because he had some stuff to do in the morning and he had to feed his cat. But when I told him all about Professor Magnibus and the possible end of the planet, he decided to fight at my side.
Angie: And in the midst of all that, you guys decided you needed to start a pop group called Hot Problems, correct?
Dr. Hot: As part of our mission, yes.
Angie: Why the name “Hot Problems”?
Dr. Hot: Ummmm… I’m Dr. Hot, he’s D.J. Problems. It just kind of worked out that way.
Angie: What’s it like working together?
Dr. Hot: I have to say, he’s the real talent, while I’m a relative newcomer. I mean, the guy’s famous in the future. So we knew he would be able to come up with great beats. But when we first started writing, we were both surprised to find that I had a knack for spitting rhymes and singing anthemic melodies.
Angie: Can you discuss your musical chemistry and goals a bit?
Dr. Hot: Of course. Why waste our time talking about the extinction of the human race?
Angie: This interview is for a music publication. So, sorry, I kind of have to ask about the music.
Dr. Hot: No, I get it. Sorry, I get a little worked up. You’re just doing your job. Problems and I work well together. He drops the fat beats and I bust the flow. It’s a great working relationship.
Angie: And your goals?
Dr. Hot: Simple: (1) make a record, (2) create worldwide Partyfundance, (3) harness the ramotons, and (4) save the world.
Angie: Without getting too technical, in layman’s terms, can you explain some of the scientific theory behind this “Partyfundance” concept and the idea of “harnessing ramotons”?
Dr. Hot: Certainly, Angie. Ramotons are rare particles that are used to power weapons in the future. We need them for our weapon, the cryogenulum. But while in the middle of the fight, we ran out.
Angie: So now you need to find more ramotons?
Dr. Hot: If we’re going to stop Professor Magnibus, yeah.
Angie: And where does one find ramotons?
Dr. Hot: Unfortunately, you can only find them in two ways: one of them requires orbiting a black hole for a thousand years. The other way is to harness the power of Partyfundance.
Angie: What is that?
Dr. Hot: Partyfundance? You’ve never heard of Partyfundance? I guess you guys haven’t figured this one out yet. Anyway, Partyfundance is a phenomenon that occurs whenever people are partying or dancing. The more fun a group of party people is having, the more ramotons they generate. And we’re trying to harness the power of those ramotons, so we can go back to 1959 and finish our battle to save the earth. It’s simple really.
Angie: So why didn’t you just go to a party in 1959 and gather your ramotons there?
Dr. Hot: A party in 1959? What, like a sock hop? Seriously. No one ever had fun at a sock hop. In fact, as a decade, the 1950’s barely generated any ramotons at all. People just sat in their rooms and listened to records while looking out the window. No, we had to go to the time in history where we could find the greatest number of ramotons, where the Partyfundance was at its peak.
Angie: And that’s now?
Dr. Hot: Yep. 2012: when people knew how to party balls.
Angie: On a different subject, does your grandfather, Andrew Volpe of Ludo fame, have any plans with Ludo for the coming year that you are aware of?
Dr. Hot: Oooo… sticky topic. I try not to have too much contact with him.
Angie: Why not?
Dr. Hot: Temporal contamination. Plus he’s terrified of me.
Angie: He’s terrified of you?
Dr. Hot: Because of the grandfather paradox.
Angie: What’s the grandfather paradox?
Dr. Hot: If you go back in time and kill your grandfather when he’s young, then you would never have been born. So a time traveler killing his own grandfather is not possible, right? But think about it… what’s to stop me from just going over to his house in Chicago right now, rolling up with a gat, and putting a bullet in his brain? Nothing, right? Or will something stop me? It’s a paradox, see. Stephen Hawking thinks the universe will intercede and prevent me from doing it. I believe me killing him or performing any other catastrophic act would just split time into alternate realities. The “Back to the Future” trilogy posits that any major disruption to the timeline would lead to Michael J. Fox’s hand starting to disappear. The answer is no one knows for sure what would really happen.
Angie: Well, do you have any plans to kill him?
Dr. Hot: No. At least not right now. Murdering my grandfather in order to solve a time travel paradox is the least of my concerns. I’m more into what’s happening with the impending End of Days.
Angie: Do you have any contact with him at all?
Dr. Hot: Who? My grandfather? We e-mail. I follow what he’s up to online, but not much more than that. It’s fascinating watching him live at this point in history.
Angie: And? What’s he doing?
Dr. Hot: Hanging out. His wife is pregnant right now. The baby could be my mother. Or maybe not. It could be my uncle. I’m not going to say. Because like I said, I’m not discussing the future.
Angie: And Ludo?
Dr. Hot: I think they’re getting ready to play some East Coast shows at the end of April, including a huge NYC show. Other than that, they’re taking a break between records. I bet if you stay tuned though, you’ll see new music from them at some point.
Angie: That’s exciting.
Dr. Hot: Yeah. We’re getting off topic though. Let’s talk about this whole “end of the world” situation.
Angie: There is talk on Facebook of a possible future Hot Problems musical composition about butts. Can you confirm this rumor?
Dr. Hot: I’m not at liberty to say.
Angie: Does the shaking of butts generate more ramotons, on average, than say…the shaking of some other body parts?
Dr. Hot: You sure are into butts. The data is inconclusive, but yes, the numbers seem to indicate a high correlation between butt-shaking and ramoton generation.
Angie: How are maximum ramotons generated?
Dr. Hot: Partyfundance. We already covered this. It’s not the butt-shaking that causes Partyfundance. Partyfundance is what generates ramotons. And butt-shaking is just a natural by-product.
Angie: Are there any activities that actually deter the production of ramotons, or an anti-ramoton, if you will?
Dr. Hot: Thinking too hard. It really lowers the level of Partyfundance.
Angie: Can you tell us a few facts about the future?
Dr. Hot: I thought we talked about this before the interview.
Angie: We did. I just-
Dr. Hot: I’m not discussing the future, Angie.
Angie: Okay. But if you could just give us one little fact about what it’s like….
Dr. Hot: Fine. In the future, the only people who wear stockings are children and prostitutes.
Dr. Hot: Bacon is sold on the black market, because pig slaughter is considered inhumane.
The Cardinals win the pennant in ‘22. Am I on the right track? Is this what you’re asking?
Angie: I was actually wondering about-
Dr. Hot: When you’re gonna die?
Angie: What? No!
Dr. Hot: Just kidding. I don’t know when you’re gonna die.
Angie: I just wanna know how life is different, like if there are flying cars or something.
Dr. Hot: Yes, there are flying cars, but no one uses them. Next question.
Angie: That’s about all I got.
Dr. Hot: Great. Great interview. I really feel like we glossed over the whole end-of-the-world thing though.
Angie: Really quick, I just want to clarify, then I’ll let you get back to your mission. You came from the year 2067. You were fighting in 1959 to save the world, but you ran out of ramotons. So you came to 2012 to make a pop record, so you can create worldwide Partyfundance, recharge your cryogenulum weapon, and save the world. Does that about cover it?
Dr. Hot: Yes.
Angie: Well, I’m confused.
Dr. Hot: Don’t be. We don’t need you to understand our mission.
Angie: Then what do you need?
Dr. Hot: Just turn up the music and shake your booty. We’ll take care of the rest.
Find Hot Problems on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/hotproblems